Life Update

I haven’t posted in a while

I guess a lot has been happening

There was that time I flew back home for a funeral

There has been some loss

And a lot of reflection

I started writing on Substack

I thought about sharing it but got scared

I’ve been thinking about fear

And how much control it has over my life

There was a week where I thought about it so much

That I saw that my thinking was a fear reaction

London is cold but it gets warmer

My fingers don’t form such a tight fist in my pockets anymore

Out for a walk I often find what I’m looking for

Breeze brushes along cheek

Birdsong falls out of the trees

Squish of foam under foot

A fellow pedestrian passes by

I drop my gaze and leave behind a smile

Then I think about how

What I’ve been afraid of is impermanence

And how it’s always been there

And how I’m going to afford to live in this city

And for how long I’ve had this clench in my stomach

That if I can just relax I’ll find what I’m looking for, again

And stop thinking so much and all of the time

I try sitting still for a while

Until the pain underneath my shoulder blades comes looking for me

A tingle spreads from nostril through cheeks

Back aches

Hair raises on skin

Knees cut into floor

I sit still